Self Sabotage

Have you ever gotten to a point in life when you were on the edge of something great...maybe even life changing? You know, it's that moment when you knew that sooner rather than later your star was going to sky rocket into the stratosphere and the things that you'd been working on were going to be on the front page instead of floating around in the background. If you've been there, what did you do? If you haven't been there already, what do you think would happen when you were on the verge of greatness?

Well, I've been there. I'm actually there right now, and my first instinct isn't to celebrate, get excited, or even prepare for what's coming. My first instinct is to mess it all up before it can ever happen! I know, I know...you're probably saying, "What in the world is this chick thinking?" Believe you me, I have asked myself the very same question. But this is a familiar pattern for me. When I get close to crossing the line from obscurity into well known I do my best to mess it up or get off track. Something about the spotlight freaks me out in a major way. I love the things that I do, and I don't really want other people to know about them. I don't do those things to get noticed, I do them simply because I love them and I believe in them. I don't volunteer with the homeless so people can say, "Oh look at what she's doing." I volunteer with the homeless because I genuinely love them and honestly believe that is what God wants me to do. I don't work with kids and develop programming so people can see it, I do it because those kids mean the world to me and God has placed a burden on my heart to educate the next generation. I have a wonderful life where I daily get to work on things that mean so much to me. God has blessed me so much because he has allowed me to focus on things that I already genuinely adore doing.

You see, the spotlight scares me. I don't crave it or want any parts of it. I've seen really great people get really messed up in their thought process because they started to get a little attention for what they were doing. Folks who were totally focused on God, became totally focused on self. Those that were all about their mission and project began to compromise the very thing that got them noticed in the first place for a little more time in the limelight. Then for others the thing that they loved the most became their biggest burden and eventually the thing that they absolutely hated doing. I don't want to be any one of those people.

I don't want the joy taken out of serving my homeless friends, or the laughter removed from my after school program. I don't want to be consumed with making more money or having more things. I don't want to live a life where I suddenly forget how blessed I am and from whom the blessings come. I don't want to become the center of my life because I already know that I am not big enough to fill that position.

So to avoid all of the things that I don't want, I try to stop myself from ever making it out of obscurity by doing just enough foolishness to stop God's blessings in my life. This is funny because most of things that many would assume that I would do aren't even an option for me. I truly have been changed and I just can't going back to being "that" girl anymore. I instead do what I consider "simple things." Little stuff like taking my time in following a direction that God has given me, attempting to hold on to a grudge a few days longer that I know that I'm supposed to. Not writing or speaking when it's clear that he has given me something to say. Involving myself in a relationship that I know is going nowhere and doing nothing other than taking my time and attention away from what I know that I should be focused on.

This is how I try to stop God's plan for my life. This is the art of self sabotage for me. What's funny is that now even a lot of these plans aren't working. God is creating such a disgust for these "simple sins" that it is making it nearly impossible for me to carry any of my self sabotage plans out. I'll be honest and let you know that this is really scaring me. You see this means that the things that God has for me to do are really important. So important that he won't even let me stop myself. I just wished that he would sometimes play by my rules. I wish that he would understand that it's not that I don't want to do everything that he's called me to do, but I'm scared of the type of person that I may become as a result.

I guess there are some things that God wants me to understand too. Things like, I will probably be okay and He knows what I can handle. Just maybe, He knows that I am not at risk of turning into any of those people that I mentioned earlier because of what he's built into my life. He knows what he can trust me with. He knows where I'll end up, and He's clearly proven to me time and time again that he won't let me get too far off the narrow road that he created just for me.

I need to make a decision today. A decision to either stop fighting God or blindly go wherever it is that he's leading me, or a decision to stop playing games and just walk away. I guess when I look at it like that there is no real decision to make. Here I am Lord, send me.

Something Happened

August 3, 2010 1:08 a.m.

Something just happened to me. I can't really explain it, but I will do my best. I had an encounter with God. I had a moment with the Holy Spirit that has changed my trajectory, FOREVER! No one would say that I was heading in a bad direction before this moment. For all intents and purposes, most people would say that I was right on track, heading in the direction that God wanted me to go. No one would argue against my love for Him, my dedication to Him, or my desire to see His Kingdom come. But I wasn't surrendered fully. I wasn't trusting completely. I was ready to do whatever in the future, but I couldn't completely promise Him my right now. THAT HAS CHANGED! God is my every thing! Nothing is more important than He is. I have promised Him whatever He wants. I have given over all of my rights. I HAVE GIVEN MYSELF AWAY, and I don't want me back!

Does this scare me? Absolutely! I don't know if I'm going to wake up in the morning with an overwhelming impression to walk away from my job, sale my car, move, give away all of my clothes, fast for 40 days, apologize to people that have hurt me, sacrifice more of the time that I don't have, forego sleep, or whatever. I HAVE NO CLUE what is about to happen in my life. I am totally freaked out! All I know is that as long as God is leading me, I will go. My new matra for life is HERE I AM, SEND ME!

People are hurting...HERE I AM, SEND ME. Children aren't being educated...HERE I AM, SEND ME. There are people with no clothes...HERE I AM, SEND ME. People don't know what it's like to feel the love of Christ...HERE I AM, SEND ME. There are not enough volunteers...HERE I AM, SEND ME. Ghettos, prisons, developing countries, orphanages, hospitals, schools, families, churches, subdivisions, homeless shelters, city streets, developing countries, Muslim nations, atheists, indigenous tribes, strip clubs, formal affairs, corporate America, White House, libraries, Oprah, alleys, it doesn't matter...HERE I AM, SEND ME!

Nothing is too much for Him to ask of me, and when it feels like it is, I pray that God help me to remember this quote, "When it feels like God is asking too much of you, remember what He first asked of Himself."

God Sends Me Emails

God Sends Me Emails

We all face challenges in our lives. Some of us started facing those challenges very early on and have been in this fight for a while. Some of us are new to the fighting game and may only be dealing with one of the first few hurdles that are sure to come. Now me, I’ve been in this fight for a minute. From very early on I had a negative self image, daddy issues, relationship issues, you name it. I dealt with a lot before I could understand what I was truly dealing with and I have suffered the consequences more times and in more ways than I even care to count. Throughout these different battles God has consistently found a way of reaching me and helping me through, especially as an adult. It’s funny I can remember praying during many of these battles, and really trying hard to hear from God, because I didn’t have a clue as to what to do. And I remember the utter despair that I felt when I heard nothing. I remember trying to do everything that I could at the time to make me good enough for God to answer me, because obviously, there was a definite reason why he was ignoring me. There had to be something wrong with me. That was the only thing that could explain it. I remember crying daily. I remember the heaviness of the sadness that I felt. I remember the amount of energy that it took to try to smile during those times. I remember all of this so vividly because I seem to be in this place again right now.

I am at a point where I really need to hear God speak. I need clarity on so many things right now that if I tried to write a list it would take me all day to do it. I am crying way more than I would like to, and daily it is getting harder and harder to smile and believe that everything will be okay. I have been wanting so badly to hear from God right now. I really needed guidance for the situations that I am facing. CLARITY would be amazing because I feel as if I am walking around in a fog. I really felt like maybe I wasn’t doing enough so I tried doing more so that God would deem me worthy of an answer, and the only answer that I have gotten was nothing. Despair was beginning to become my new best friend, and quite honestly I was nurturing the relationship.

Then today came, and low and behold God sent me an email! It’s not the first time that he’s done this, and it probably won’t be the last. You see when my life is complicated, it’s that much harder to hear God through the cloud of my crazy and somewhat irrational thoughts. The people around me usually try to help, but often times I just can’t seem to get them to understand what I’m experiencing. More often than not they end up making me feel more crazy for feeling the way that I feel in the moment, so I tend to just stay by myself in these moments. I pray. I cry. I read. I pray some more. I try to force myself to have fun. I give up. I cry. I pray. I read. I cry. I cry. I cry. I quit. And it’s at the point where I quit that God says finally, now that you can hear me, let me tell you what I’ve been trying to say all along. And more often than not he does it through email. Be it some random message from a friend, a quote, or a daily devotional of some kind, when I get to the place of giving up and in essence dying, God springs to the rescue to resuscitate me and to rehabilitate what has been broken through my email. Actually as I think about it, it never fails. I always get an email that is so specific to how I’m feeling and what I’m dealing with that I know that it can be nothing but God speaking directly to me. Now I know many of the emails that I get go out to people in mass, but I also know that on the day where I need it most it comes straight from the heart of God to my inbox and it revives me in a way that nothing else can. And the best part about it is that he does it in a way that he knows will reach me exactly where I’m at. Through my email! I love how he takes the time to love me uniquely. It shows that even when I don’t think that he’s listening, and often times when I honestly believe that he doesn’t care, my issues are important to him. I mean why wouldn’t they be? I am his precious baby girl.

How does God reach you in the darkness? What does he do to let you know that he’s listening? Whatever the case may be, know that he is talking to you in a way that you can understand. Now you make sure that you’re listening.

Thank Your Haters Today

So I have come to realize that in life there will always be people that don’t agree with us, there will be those that don’t like us, there will never be a lack of people that don’t understand us, and at the worst there will be those that spend a lot of time, energy, and focus on trying to derail us from the path that we’re on. Unfortunately, some of these major haters will be those that you let into your closest circles. They will be the people that you’ve entrusted with your dreams and goals. The folks that you felt comfortable being most vulnerable with and that you gave your all for could potentially be the main people that are plotting against you. At the end of the day that really sucks. It doesn’t make dealing with their betrayal hurt any less knowing that up front, and you still experience a moment of shell shock when you’re forced to deal with these types of situations.
When we experience these types of situations we often times want to default to one of two options. We either shut down and it takes a whole lot for us to trust and open up again, or we go off. We tell these people how crappy they are, how they better not ever speak to us again, and how they deserve every thing that comes their way. In fact we are praying for said evil things to come to them because they deserve it for what they’ve done to us. I’m asking you to consider a third option, one that will probably seem crazy to most, but may be the most beneficial one in the end. I am suggesting that when people hate on you, disagree with you, and even plot to destroy you that you respond with the most gracious, sincere, and heart felt thank you that you have.
You see haters are inevitable when you are walking in your purpose. They don’t understand how or why you are doing what you are doing. They don’t feel that you’re educated enough, talented enough, outgoing enough, beautiful enough, or whatever enough you can think of. Even if they do think that you have enough, they feel like they have more of it and should be in the position that you’re in, but they’re not. The great thing about it is that their hatred of where you are and what you’re doing, isn’t enough to derail God’s plan for your life. Actually, often times God will use it to propel you to the next level.
I have had haters in so many different areas of my life. People have tried to get me fired from jobs, destroy my self perception, they’ve taken my friendship for granted, betrayed me, lied on me, talked about me behind my back, excluded me, and they’ve tried to convince me that I was worthless and for a time it looked like they were going to be successful with their schemes. However, God still had a plan and all that they did at the end of the day was open the door for God to move in my life and promote me to the next level. You see I was comfortable in a lot of these situations and usually when you’re comfortable you’re not pursuing the next thing that God has for you. When you’re happy or even just okay with where you’re at why deal with potential stress that is involved with moving forward. At that point God allows agitators into your life. This causes discomfort and usually discomfort turns into motivation for you to take action. He will use whatever it takes, and if that’s someone hating on you, then so be it.
You’re comfort isn’t a priority, but His purposes are, and if it takes you being a little uncomfortable to get it done then so be it. Get ready to go to the next level and thank your haters today. Without them you might never be motivated to move forward into what God really has for you!

Do You Remember The Time

So yes, this was the title to one of my favorite Michael Jackson songs, but it is also an overused theme in the enemy’s camp. Over the years I have found that when I am even slightly on task, the devil will take extra special care to remind me of all of the things that were negative in my past. No matter what place I’m in currently he seeks with all of his power, which really isn’t much when you think about it, to take me back to the place the I used to be in, feeling the feelings that I used to feel there, thinking the thoughts that I once thought, with the people that I used to be around. There is generally a reason that all of that stuff; the places, thoughts, feelings, and people, are in my past and didn’t make it to my present, and he tries to negate all of that and get them there anyway.

The unfortunate thing is that his suggestions are somewhat powerful. They will get you to start journeying back into time to relive some of those moments. Usually he’ll start with some of the more positive ones, but without fail he’s going to hit you with the negative sooner or later, and it’s the negative thoughts that cause us to miss the mark currently. It’s the negative thoughts that will make us self sabotage in our current walk. It’s the negative thoughts that will have us doubting people in our present relationships. It’s the negative thoughts that will have us believing that we’re not worthy of great friendships or relationships. It’s the negative thoughts that will drive us over the edge of sanity and reason, and have us doubting everything that we honestly know in our hearts to be true. And at the end of the day that’s all that the enemy really wants and needs.

He doesn’t really care whether or not we’re doing things that are evil. He just needs to make sure that we are not doing what we’re supposed to be doing at the time. You see when we’re purposeful he’s in danger. That’s when we reach people for the Kingdom of God. That’s when people get to experience the love of Jesus Christ through us. That’s when people know that they’re life is not over. That’s when people learn that God is a God of many chances because of his mercy and grace. That’s when they realize that there really is a way out of the hell that they’re experiencing. That’s when people make a decision to walk away from the foolishness and into their own purpose. That’s when people find their freedom to fully be who God created them to be. There is liberation for others in us being on task. That’s why we have to make it a number one priority in our lives.

All of this to say that the next time the devil whispers in your ear, “Do you remember the time?” respond in kind. Ask him if he remembers the time that God saved your life when he shouldn’t have. When God should have punished you but he didn’t. When God provided for you when you didn’t have any money. When God loved you when you were your most unloveable. I find that those types of memories usually shut up his foolishness really quickly. They also serve as a catalyst to keep you on track and focused on the things that really matter in your life which are living 100% for God and focusing on his purpose for you in this day.

Keeping It 100

So I was reading this book and in it the author made a very simple, yet life changing statement. He said, “You bring glory to God by being you.” See I told you that it was simple. I also told you that it was impactful. I mean think about it, you bring maximum glory to God when you are 100% genuine, not a shell of who he created you to be. We spend some much of our time hiding different aspects of who we really are so that we can fit in no matter where we’re at. In the process we lose a lot of what would bring God glory. You weren’t made to fit in you were born to stand out. So why is that even with knowing this it is still a daily struggle for me to keep it 100? I still live a life full of compromise when it comes to being 100% me Why do I feel the need to change in order to be accepted when I am already accepted by the one that matters most?

I guess that it’s just the way that I’ve been conditioned by society. Nobody really wants to know the real you. They would prefer the watered down version of who you really are. The one that fits into their perfect little box of who you should be. Well today I have decided to break out of the box. I am not perfect now, nor will I ever be on this side of creation, but I can focus on being the perfect Kristin. The one that is super silly, and likes to laugh really loud. The one that sleeps with a teddy bear sometimes, and still loves to color in coloring books. The one that eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner and that likes to swing really high on the swings. The Kristin Denise that is sometimes shy even while being very opinionated. That’s who God made me to be. I am most perfect when I am perfectly comfortable in my skin. That is when I bring Him true glory. At the point where I stop hiding and making it seem as if I believe that God made a mistake when he created me this way I am in the perfect position to point people in the direction of the freedom that can only be found in him. My freedom may help them to realize that freedom is really an option for them as well. It’s at this point where they might realize that they no longer have to surrender how they choose to live their life to popular opinion, but they can now become completely surrendered to God’s love. I mean if you have to surrender to something, you might as well surrender to the one thing that will set you free!

Chasing After You

We spend so much of our lives chasing after something. As children we chase after our parents approval. As teens we chase after our peers acceptance. As students we chase after knowledge. Many young adults are chasing after careers or relationships. Some of us get so caught up in chasing after stuff that we fail to realize who’s chasing after us.
I’ve been extremely reflective over the last couple of day and I have been able to see that there have been so many times over my life where God was chasing after me trying to get my attention. However, me being the special person that I am, I have kept chasing after other things instead of turning around and jumping to His warm embrace. I’ve spent countless years chasing after acceptance, love, purpose, and validation and I’ve cried countless tears over my lack of success. It just seems so amazing to see that everything that I have ever wanted was chasing right behind me.
I truly thank God that HE was patient enough to wait on me to get it together. You see I always knew that there was something behind me, but for the longest time I thought that it was all of the stuff that I was trying to get away from. The past mistakes, the broken relationships, the low self-esteem, the thoughts of suicide, and all of the other things that I was trying to run far away from. The reality was that it was God chasing after me in an effort to save me from the very things that I was running from and trying to give me the things that I was chasing after. I just wouldn’t slow down long enough to figure it out.
Once I finally grew tired of running God captured my attention and soon enough my heart. Funny thing is that after he finally had me right where he wanted me he let me go. And that’s when I began my pursuit of him.
It kind of reminds me of a scene I saw in a park once. There was a father who playfully chased behind his daughter. He let her run, but he never allowed her to get to far out of his reach. As soon as she began to get tired he would scoop her up into his arms and hug and kiss and tickle her and then he would put her down and immediately she began to chase after him. It was like the loves that she felt in the moment that she was captured gave her the energy that she needed to go after Him to relive that feeling again. For them it was a continuous game of cat and mouse.
For God and I it’s the same thing, and that is why I will forever be chasing after him!