Self Sabotage

Have you ever gotten to a point in life when you were on the edge of something great...maybe even life changing? You know, it's that moment when you knew that sooner rather than later your star was going to sky rocket into the stratosphere and the things that you'd been working on were going to be on the front page instead of floating around in the background. If you've been there, what did you do? If you haven't been there already, what do you think would happen when you were on the verge of greatness?

Well, I've been there. I'm actually there right now, and my first instinct isn't to celebrate, get excited, or even prepare for what's coming. My first instinct is to mess it all up before it can ever happen! I know, I know...you're probably saying, "What in the world is this chick thinking?" Believe you me, I have asked myself the very same question. But this is a familiar pattern for me. When I get close to crossing the line from obscurity into well known I do my best to mess it up or get off track. Something about the spotlight freaks me out in a major way. I love the things that I do, and I don't really want other people to know about them. I don't do those things to get noticed, I do them simply because I love them and I believe in them. I don't volunteer with the homeless so people can say, "Oh look at what she's doing." I volunteer with the homeless because I genuinely love them and honestly believe that is what God wants me to do. I don't work with kids and develop programming so people can see it, I do it because those kids mean the world to me and God has placed a burden on my heart to educate the next generation. I have a wonderful life where I daily get to work on things that mean so much to me. God has blessed me so much because he has allowed me to focus on things that I already genuinely adore doing.

You see, the spotlight scares me. I don't crave it or want any parts of it. I've seen really great people get really messed up in their thought process because they started to get a little attention for what they were doing. Folks who were totally focused on God, became totally focused on self. Those that were all about their mission and project began to compromise the very thing that got them noticed in the first place for a little more time in the limelight. Then for others the thing that they loved the most became their biggest burden and eventually the thing that they absolutely hated doing. I don't want to be any one of those people.

I don't want the joy taken out of serving my homeless friends, or the laughter removed from my after school program. I don't want to be consumed with making more money or having more things. I don't want to live a life where I suddenly forget how blessed I am and from whom the blessings come. I don't want to become the center of my life because I already know that I am not big enough to fill that position.

So to avoid all of the things that I don't want, I try to stop myself from ever making it out of obscurity by doing just enough foolishness to stop God's blessings in my life. This is funny because most of things that many would assume that I would do aren't even an option for me. I truly have been changed and I just can't going back to being "that" girl anymore. I instead do what I consider "simple things." Little stuff like taking my time in following a direction that God has given me, attempting to hold on to a grudge a few days longer that I know that I'm supposed to. Not writing or speaking when it's clear that he has given me something to say. Involving myself in a relationship that I know is going nowhere and doing nothing other than taking my time and attention away from what I know that I should be focused on.

This is how I try to stop God's plan for my life. This is the art of self sabotage for me. What's funny is that now even a lot of these plans aren't working. God is creating such a disgust for these "simple sins" that it is making it nearly impossible for me to carry any of my self sabotage plans out. I'll be honest and let you know that this is really scaring me. You see this means that the things that God has for me to do are really important. So important that he won't even let me stop myself. I just wished that he would sometimes play by my rules. I wish that he would understand that it's not that I don't want to do everything that he's called me to do, but I'm scared of the type of person that I may become as a result.

I guess there are some things that God wants me to understand too. Things like, I will probably be okay and He knows what I can handle. Just maybe, He knows that I am not at risk of turning into any of those people that I mentioned earlier because of what he's built into my life. He knows what he can trust me with. He knows where I'll end up, and He's clearly proven to me time and time again that he won't let me get too far off the narrow road that he created just for me.

I need to make a decision today. A decision to either stop fighting God or blindly go wherever it is that he's leading me, or a decision to stop playing games and just walk away. I guess when I look at it like that there is no real decision to make. Here I am Lord, send me.