Almost Doesn't Count

I am so glad that almost doesn't count. You see last night...I almost gave up. I almost thew in the towel and just said forget it, this is way too much for the kid, and I just can't fathom dealing with one more thing. I wanted to have a temper tantrum and cry and scream and pout and explain why this just wasn't fair. In the moment it seemed like it was another two steps backwards after trying to take one step forward. I was like, "Really Jesus?!?! Come on dude...what's this all about?" I mean sheesh. Instead of going off of the deep end and doing all of the above. I did the responsible adult thing. I took a deep breath and began working on Plan B because obviously plan A was not going to be as successful as I had hoped.

It was while working on Plan B that God reminded me that He should be the only Plan! I hadn't consulted him before I got into Plan A, and therefore I shouldn't have been surprised when it didn't work out the way that I thought it should. I mean that is what generally happens when I try to do things my own way. They never quite work out for the kid. I have a knack for messing myself up in a major way when I go it alone. That's probably why God has made himself available for me to talk to and to hear from before I make decisions. He knew from jump that I wouldn't be able to go this thing alone and end up with positive results. He also knew that this would end in a not so favorable manner. But most importantly, he knew that I would need to be reminded about the future that he's promised me in order to be okay after all of this...an that's what stopped me from quitting.

I mean this isn't the first time that my plans haven't worked out, and if I'm honest, I know that it probably won't be the last. Lord knows that I am sometimes a little too independent for my own good, and therefore I will sometimes end up in these types of situations. It's in these moments that God will remind me of where my life used to be in comparison to where it is now. Then he will take it one step further and remind me of what's to come. That is when I usually realize that giving up isn't really an option. It never had been and it never would be for me. To give up would be to tell God to keep his promises to himself because I didn't want them. That would clearly be the dumbest move ever, and I'm not one for being dumb!

So I am so very thankful that almost doesn't count. Almost giving in to the desire to quit was not enough to get me off track. Almost couldn't keep God's promises at bay. Almost didn't prevent me from walking into my promised land. Almost actually helped me. It helped me to know that I am headed in the right direction. The road is sometimes difficult, definitely unfamiliar, sometimes scary, sometimes lonely, but definitely min and I know that Jesus is on this road with me. Thank you Lord for the journey...even the parts that I didn't expect. And more importantly, thank you Lord that almost really doesn't count.

Missing You

Having a moment right now. A really heavy moment. I'm missing my grandmother and my aunt and I just don't know what to do with these feelings. My grandmother died on August 17, 1995 about a week before I started high school. My aunt died on December 11, 1998, exactly two weeks before Christmas during my senior year of high school. My Grandma was 54. My Aunt was 29. I didn't realize how much I could still miss them so many years later. I didn't know that the same grief that hit me the moment that they were lost to me could hit me with the same intensity over a decade later and have my crying just the same.

Their lives changed mine. Their deaths did too. I loved them deeply. I love them still. I miss them more than words can express. I love them more than I ever had the chance to express. So tonight I wrote about it. It helped a little bit. I cried about it. I guess that helped too. I'm missing them something terrible right now, and quite honestly, I just don't know what to do.

Missing You

Thinking about your smile
Your laugh
The time that we shared
Wishing you were here
To help me relive the memories
That bring such joy to me
The talks in the kitchen
The people watching on the front porch
The video games
And crazy pet names
The understanding
The love
The peace
You
Are gone now
Can't just pick up the phone now
Wish I could
Would pay top dollar
Just to hear your voice
Have you here to help me reason
Through another difficult choice
To share my accomplishments
Hold me in my grief
Would give anything
To have you here with me
Missing you
More than words can express
More than most would know
Missing you
Wanting to touch you
See you
Laugh with you
Even fight with you again
One more I love you
One more hug too
To help me be okay
In the moments like now
When missing you
Makes it hard to get through the day

Self Sabotage

Have you ever gotten to a point in life when you were on the edge of something great...maybe even life changing? You know, it's that moment when you knew that sooner rather than later your star was going to sky rocket into the stratosphere and the things that you'd been working on were going to be on the front page instead of floating around in the background. If you've been there, what did you do? If you haven't been there already, what do you think would happen when you were on the verge of greatness?

Well, I've been there. I'm actually there right now, and my first instinct isn't to celebrate, get excited, or even prepare for what's coming. My first instinct is to mess it all up before it can ever happen! I know, I know...you're probably saying, "What in the world is this chick thinking?" Believe you me, I have asked myself the very same question. But this is a familiar pattern for me. When I get close to crossing the line from obscurity into well known I do my best to mess it up or get off track. Something about the spotlight freaks me out in a major way. I love the things that I do, and I don't really want other people to know about them. I don't do those things to get noticed, I do them simply because I love them and I believe in them. I don't volunteer with the homeless so people can say, "Oh look at what she's doing." I volunteer with the homeless because I genuinely love them and honestly believe that is what God wants me to do. I don't work with kids and develop programming so people can see it, I do it because those kids mean the world to me and God has placed a burden on my heart to educate the next generation. I have a wonderful life where I daily get to work on things that mean so much to me. God has blessed me so much because he has allowed me to focus on things that I already genuinely adore doing.

You see, the spotlight scares me. I don't crave it or want any parts of it. I've seen really great people get really messed up in their thought process because they started to get a little attention for what they were doing. Folks who were totally focused on God, became totally focused on self. Those that were all about their mission and project began to compromise the very thing that got them noticed in the first place for a little more time in the limelight. Then for others the thing that they loved the most became their biggest burden and eventually the thing that they absolutely hated doing. I don't want to be any one of those people.

I don't want the joy taken out of serving my homeless friends, or the laughter removed from my after school program. I don't want to be consumed with making more money or having more things. I don't want to live a life where I suddenly forget how blessed I am and from whom the blessings come. I don't want to become the center of my life because I already know that I am not big enough to fill that position.

So to avoid all of the things that I don't want, I try to stop myself from ever making it out of obscurity by doing just enough foolishness to stop God's blessings in my life. This is funny because most of things that many would assume that I would do aren't even an option for me. I truly have been changed and I just can't going back to being "that" girl anymore. I instead do what I consider "simple things." Little stuff like taking my time in following a direction that God has given me, attempting to hold on to a grudge a few days longer that I know that I'm supposed to. Not writing or speaking when it's clear that he has given me something to say. Involving myself in a relationship that I know is going nowhere and doing nothing other than taking my time and attention away from what I know that I should be focused on.

This is how I try to stop God's plan for my life. This is the art of self sabotage for me. What's funny is that now even a lot of these plans aren't working. God is creating such a disgust for these "simple sins" that it is making it nearly impossible for me to carry any of my self sabotage plans out. I'll be honest and let you know that this is really scaring me. You see this means that the things that God has for me to do are really important. So important that he won't even let me stop myself. I just wished that he would sometimes play by my rules. I wish that he would understand that it's not that I don't want to do everything that he's called me to do, but I'm scared of the type of person that I may become as a result.

I guess there are some things that God wants me to understand too. Things like, I will probably be okay and He knows what I can handle. Just maybe, He knows that I am not at risk of turning into any of those people that I mentioned earlier because of what he's built into my life. He knows what he can trust me with. He knows where I'll end up, and He's clearly proven to me time and time again that he won't let me get too far off the narrow road that he created just for me.

I need to make a decision today. A decision to either stop fighting God or blindly go wherever it is that he's leading me, or a decision to stop playing games and just walk away. I guess when I look at it like that there is no real decision to make. Here I am Lord, send me.

Something Happened

August 3, 2010 1:08 a.m.

Something just happened to me. I can't really explain it, but I will do my best. I had an encounter with God. I had a moment with the Holy Spirit that has changed my trajectory, FOREVER! No one would say that I was heading in a bad direction before this moment. For all intents and purposes, most people would say that I was right on track, heading in the direction that God wanted me to go. No one would argue against my love for Him, my dedication to Him, or my desire to see His Kingdom come. But I wasn't surrendered fully. I wasn't trusting completely. I was ready to do whatever in the future, but I couldn't completely promise Him my right now. THAT HAS CHANGED! God is my every thing! Nothing is more important than He is. I have promised Him whatever He wants. I have given over all of my rights. I HAVE GIVEN MYSELF AWAY, and I don't want me back!

Does this scare me? Absolutely! I don't know if I'm going to wake up in the morning with an overwhelming impression to walk away from my job, sale my car, move, give away all of my clothes, fast for 40 days, apologize to people that have hurt me, sacrifice more of the time that I don't have, forego sleep, or whatever. I HAVE NO CLUE what is about to happen in my life. I am totally freaked out! All I know is that as long as God is leading me, I will go. My new matra for life is HERE I AM, SEND ME!

People are hurting...HERE I AM, SEND ME. Children aren't being educated...HERE I AM, SEND ME. There are people with no clothes...HERE I AM, SEND ME. People don't know what it's like to feel the love of Christ...HERE I AM, SEND ME. There are not enough volunteers...HERE I AM, SEND ME. Ghettos, prisons, developing countries, orphanages, hospitals, schools, families, churches, subdivisions, homeless shelters, city streets, developing countries, Muslim nations, atheists, indigenous tribes, strip clubs, formal affairs, corporate America, White House, libraries, Oprah, alleys, it doesn't matter...HERE I AM, SEND ME!

Nothing is too much for Him to ask of me, and when it feels like it is, I pray that God help me to remember this quote, "When it feels like God is asking too much of you, remember what He first asked of Himself."

God Sends Me Emails

God Sends Me Emails

We all face challenges in our lives. Some of us started facing those challenges very early on and have been in this fight for a while. Some of us are new to the fighting game and may only be dealing with one of the first few hurdles that are sure to come. Now me, I’ve been in this fight for a minute. From very early on I had a negative self image, daddy issues, relationship issues, you name it. I dealt with a lot before I could understand what I was truly dealing with and I have suffered the consequences more times and in more ways than I even care to count. Throughout these different battles God has consistently found a way of reaching me and helping me through, especially as an adult. It’s funny I can remember praying during many of these battles, and really trying hard to hear from God, because I didn’t have a clue as to what to do. And I remember the utter despair that I felt when I heard nothing. I remember trying to do everything that I could at the time to make me good enough for God to answer me, because obviously, there was a definite reason why he was ignoring me. There had to be something wrong with me. That was the only thing that could explain it. I remember crying daily. I remember the heaviness of the sadness that I felt. I remember the amount of energy that it took to try to smile during those times. I remember all of this so vividly because I seem to be in this place again right now.

I am at a point where I really need to hear God speak. I need clarity on so many things right now that if I tried to write a list it would take me all day to do it. I am crying way more than I would like to, and daily it is getting harder and harder to smile and believe that everything will be okay. I have been wanting so badly to hear from God right now. I really needed guidance for the situations that I am facing. CLARITY would be amazing because I feel as if I am walking around in a fog. I really felt like maybe I wasn’t doing enough so I tried doing more so that God would deem me worthy of an answer, and the only answer that I have gotten was nothing. Despair was beginning to become my new best friend, and quite honestly I was nurturing the relationship.

Then today came, and low and behold God sent me an email! It’s not the first time that he’s done this, and it probably won’t be the last. You see when my life is complicated, it’s that much harder to hear God through the cloud of my crazy and somewhat irrational thoughts. The people around me usually try to help, but often times I just can’t seem to get them to understand what I’m experiencing. More often than not they end up making me feel more crazy for feeling the way that I feel in the moment, so I tend to just stay by myself in these moments. I pray. I cry. I read. I pray some more. I try to force myself to have fun. I give up. I cry. I pray. I read. I cry. I cry. I cry. I quit. And it’s at the point where I quit that God says finally, now that you can hear me, let me tell you what I’ve been trying to say all along. And more often than not he does it through email. Be it some random message from a friend, a quote, or a daily devotional of some kind, when I get to the place of giving up and in essence dying, God springs to the rescue to resuscitate me and to rehabilitate what has been broken through my email. Actually as I think about it, it never fails. I always get an email that is so specific to how I’m feeling and what I’m dealing with that I know that it can be nothing but God speaking directly to me. Now I know many of the emails that I get go out to people in mass, but I also know that on the day where I need it most it comes straight from the heart of God to my inbox and it revives me in a way that nothing else can. And the best part about it is that he does it in a way that he knows will reach me exactly where I’m at. Through my email! I love how he takes the time to love me uniquely. It shows that even when I don’t think that he’s listening, and often times when I honestly believe that he doesn’t care, my issues are important to him. I mean why wouldn’t they be? I am his precious baby girl.

How does God reach you in the darkness? What does he do to let you know that he’s listening? Whatever the case may be, know that he is talking to you in a way that you can understand. Now you make sure that you’re listening.

The Eve of my 29th Birthday

In less than 24 hours I will be 29 years old! That is so crazy to me. My life is totally not what I thought that it would be at this point, but I think I love it none the less. I thank God for placing me where I am. I thank God for giving me a heart to serve him and his people. I thank God for amazing friends that bring joy to my life. I even thank God for the trails that I’ve gone through that have helped me to become who he destined for me to be. It hasn’t always been easy, but it has definitely been worth it. As I look at my future I know without a shadow of a doubt that some amazing things are about to pop off! I mean really. And I’ll be the first to admit that I honestly don’t know how much time I have left to see this stuff happen, but I do know that my legacy will be great! This year is special for me. It means a lot for various reasons, but the main one is because I have aunt that died at 29, almost exactly 3 months after her birthday. I am currently about to embark on a year that she never got to fully explore. The crazy thing is, I remember teasing her on her 29th birthday and telling her that this was the last year she would be able to call my mother old because the next year she would be in her thirties too. Her response was how do you know that I’m going to be here next year. It didn’t really resonate with me in the moment, but 3 months later it made perfect sense. My aunt recognized something at 29 that I didn’t fully get at 17. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to be there for anyone!
What does that mean for me? First of all, it helps me to once again recognize that every day is not promised. Secondly, it lights a fire under my tail to do all that God has for me to do, while I have the chance to do it. Thirdly, it reminds me that life is too short to not have as much joy as possible in it! So today, on the eve of my 29th birthday I commit to the following things in no particular order:

1. Smiling as much as I can, for as long as I can, as hard as I can!
2. Laughing every chance that I get!
3. Crying when I need to regardless of who’s around or what they might say.
4. Doing something each day to let someone know that I love them.
5. Spending time with the people that mean the most to me in the midst of pursuing all that
God has for me
6. Live with reckless abandon for God, leaving fear behind
7. Sharing my gifts with as many people as possible, as often as possible!
8. Loving freely those that will allow me to love them!
9. Learning from the hard lessons so that I don’t have to repeat them
10. Enjoying every moment for what it is worth recognizing that nothing is all bad or all good!
11. Write as often as I can
12. Take every opportunity to share the knowledge that God has given
13. Live freely as me regardless of the judgment that might ensue as a result
14. Travel when the opportunity presents itself
15. Go out when I want to regardless of whether or not someone can or wants to go with me
16. Learning from the mistakes of others because I don’t have time to make them all myself
17. Daily make the choice to love me unconditionally
18. Take every opportunity to encourage those around me
19. Consistently take time to stop and enjoy the beauty of God’s creation!
20. Affirming myself daily
21. Putting pictures in my scrapbook
22. Doing more arts and crafts
23. Listening to different music artists in genres that I enjoy
24. Giving more because every little bit counts
25. Shopping less because I can’t take any of it with me
26. Becoming healthier still
27. Resolving conflict quickly
28. Setting weekly goals
29. Going to bed each night empty of all that God has given me for the day!

Words from the Heart Part 1

So I absolutely adore India.Arie! Her music really speaks to me. It's like she's taken all of my thoughts and turned them into some of the tightest songs with the most beautiful melodies. I can find an India song for everything that I deal with. I pick a theme song off of each of her albums based upon where I'm at in life in the moment. I've never had an artist that I could identify with on this level. As a result she would have to definitely be considered one of my favorites, if not my absolute favorite artist! So I took a couple of my most favoritist (I know that's not a word, but I refuse to explain it any other way) lines from some of her songs and I figured that I would share them with you! Happy Reading!

I choose to be the best that I can be
I choose to be authentic in everything I do
My past don’t dictate who I am
I choose
"I Choose" Testimony

Even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
"This To Shall Pass" Testimony

I want to go to a place where I am nothing and everything
That exist between here and no where
I want to go to a place where
Time has no consequence
And oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayer
Please understand that it’s not that I don’t care
But right now these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place where I can breathe
I wanna go to a place where I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain that’s on my mind
I wanna go to place where I’m suspended in ectasy
Somewhere between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right.
***Please note that these aren't all of the lyrics for this song.
"Beautiful" Acoustic Soul

Early in the morning it’s the dawn of a new day
New hopes, new dreams, new ways
I open up my eyes and I open up my mind
I wonder how life will surprise me today
Early in the morning in it’s the dawn of a new day
New hopes, new dreams, new ways,
I open up my heart and
I’m gonna do my part and
Make this a positively beautiful day
"Beautiful Day" Testimony Vol 2 Love and Politics


I know that you don’t know me at all
But if you know yourself
Well then you know me very well
I wonder if you really knew
That I see the God in you
And I wonder if you can see
How much you mean to me
I know you cannot read my mind
But I know you feel the vibe
But I think it’s time to let you know that
I see the God in you
"God In You" Acoustic Soul

There will be more to come soon!

K. Denise